Where's a Dictionary When You Need One?

Actual conversation today:

Me: "Would you like chips or a drink today?"
Customer: "Is there an alternative to chips?"
Me: "Well, we have cookies you can substitute for chips in the combo meal."
Customer: "That's not an alternative to chips."
Me: [silence]
Customer: "I'll just have a drink"
Me: "Ok."

Thumper said that if you can't say something nice, don't say nuthin' at all. Hence the silence. Sometimes I wish I had a dictionary behind the cash register...

al·ter·na·tive

[awl-tur-nuh-tiv]

noun

1.

a choice limited to one of two or more possibilities, as of things, propositions, or courses of action, the selection of which precludes any other possibility: You have the alternative of riding or walking.

2.

one of the things, propositions, or courses of action that can be chosen: The alternative to riding is walking.

3.

a possible or remaining course or choice: There was no alternative but to walk.

adjective

4.

affording a choice of two or more things, propositions, or courses of action.

5.

(of two things, propositions, or courses) mutually exclusive so that if one is chosen the other must be rejected: The alternative possibilities are neutrality and war.

(Selected passages from the definitions available at dictionary.com) 

(Yes, I've been brainwashed to cite everything. Thanks, college.) 

One Plus One is THIS MANY!

 

While reading an article for a research paper, I found myself editing the article. Some believe this is hereditary (thanks, mom). As I went through the article, all those lectures by English teachers started to make sense. "Even if you're a rocket scientist, you still need to learn how to write!" A little basic math wouldn't hurt either... Here are two excerpts. (Words underlined and in bold type are my editions for the purpose of making a point).

First:
"Ten members of the First Christian Church of Boulder congregation participated in the hobbyist focus group... Six of the group said they were more inclined to visit the museum...Three indicated that viewing a virtual visit probably would not affect the likelihood of their actually visiting the museum... One said that it would depend on the museum... One indicated being less inclined..."

Ok... 6+3+1+1 = 11. Who snuck into the focus group of ten? (Better yet, 10-6-3-1-1 = -1. Take that, physics.)

Next:
"Seven members of the Colorado Mountain Club participated in the General Users group... The participants were evenly divided about how a virtual visit to a museum would affect their inclination to visit in-person."

Seven evenly divided = 3.5. I want to know more about these two .5 people. Were they on the fence about the issue? Confused? Split personality? (I hate it when I argue with myself in public...)

While amusing, I'm really starting to question whether or not I can use this article in my paper and still retain my own credibility.

Reeeally Old Poem

Found this in the archives and decided to dust it off. Minor editing done from the original (not content, just a word or two and some punctuation fixes). 

A Prayer and a Promise

Why should I be so surprised

To find I still open my eyes?

After all this time they’ve been closed,

Eventually I had to know

That someday light would lift my lids,

Uncover all that darkness hid.

Like Plato come out of the cave,

I am a queen, made from a slave.

And now I see the world around,

And add to that the touch, the sound.

Oh, I don’t claim to sense it all,

For who am I, but one so small?

I don’t leave a footprint on a stone.

When I face the ocean, I still feel alone.

No, I still don't have the answers I seek.

I’m stronger now, but still I’m weak.

But when my eyes are no longer burning

From light’s first kiss, I’ll start my journeying.

And from this day of my first breath,

I swear to me I’ll never rest.

I may fall down, I may yet bleed,

But till death be my final deed,

I’ll take my heart and all it owns,

I swear to reap whate’er is sown,

I’ll love, I’ll lose, I’ll laugh, I’ll cry,

But till I live, I’ll never die.